Enraged

I wanted to scream and smash my racquet. I wanted to hit something, to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old. In fact, it probably was my inner two-year-old who was reacting, in that moment, to the frustration of not being able to hit the shuttle hard enough to win the point. Time and again, the shuttle was returned, no matter how hard I hit it.

I am powerless, I thought.

After more than a year of playing badminton and repatterning my limiting patterns the moment I get home, I had been feeling good about my game and I had not expected such a strong reaction. In hindsight, I probably should have seen it coming.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a session from a colleague – a Seeing Repatterning – that had a profound impact on me. It shifted something fundamental for me in my outlook, in why I do, what I do. Where before my main motivation had been ‘for others’, since that session, I find my main motivation is myself. This is the reason why I had always needed to play a team sport – because I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything unless it was for the good of the team, for the good of others. The earlier experience that had shaped that response happened when I was a baby, less than one year old.

I am not sure I can put into words the profound difference this has had on me. For forty years, everything I have done has been for others first and foremost, with me being just an afterthought. Changing that order and putting myself first – a natural order as anyone who knows first aid will tell you: first you check if it’s safe for you to approach the scene of the accident and only then do you worry about others – has impacted all areas of my life. Now, I set clear boundaries on my time and how I use my energy, and I respect the boundaries others set with equanimity. I am more centred and calm. In badminton training, I’ve stopped worrying about everyone else and I’ve found new joy in the game, in doing my best, in learning and improving, in moving my body. But as my enjoyment of the game has increased, so has my desire to win points and games and matches. My competitive spirit has been awakened and, as I have allowed myself to experience it, my old patterns are being triggered.

I accept that whatever is not aligned with my intentions emerges for my own growth and transformation. This is one of my favourite statements from the Intention key of Resonance Repatterning.

Having managed not to smash my racquet, hit anything, or throw a tantrum, I got home and reached for my Resonance Repatterning books. And while my session drew from various repatternings, I feel the most powerful section was the Breath Repatterning.

Breathing is intimately linked to emotions and our survival responses. When we experience strong emotions our breathing pattern changes instantly, and controlling our breathing pattern is one of the most effective ways to calm ourselves when we are upset. The first breath we take at birth is meant to be smooth and effortless, but sadly, all too often this doesn’t happen. It is one of the biggest failings of modern medicine – this unwillingness or inability to understand the profound impact our birth environment can have on our psyche. Dr Ray Castellino tells us that up to 80% of our issues can be traced back to the experience of our birth.

My birth was certainly not as traumatic as some, but my mother was given a painkiller too close to my delivery, which meant that I emerged into this world lethargic…

Robbed of my power…

I am powerless.

All my life I have felt this. Thanks to Resonance Repatterning, I am finally able to shift this limiting belief and let go of the rage, grief, and helplessness I felt as an infant.

I take back, own, and embody my power, independence, decision making, vitality, health, strength, stamina, determination, and timing. 

As it happens I saw my chiropractor today and, as his assistant massaged my muscles before the adjustment, I noticed that I was more aware of my body, of its strength and its power.

Dandapani says, “Life is a manifestation of where your energy is flowing.”

Perhaps next time I smash the shuttle, no one will be able to return it…

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