My 2-year-old was the focus of my emotions this week, and there were all sorts of feelings that came up, from fear to grief, anger to abandonment. When I was two, my mum had to leave me with my grandparents for a few days and this experience somehow reinforced my belief that, if I am not perfect, no one will want me. I think my 2-year-old believed that her grandparents might give her away too if she wasn’t good enough.
This week’s Repatterning was all about me taking on responsivities that don’t belong to me, in an effort to feel needed and to survive.
On the plus side, this week I experienced more moments of positive emotion. On Monday night, I felt a childlike joy at badminton, which I have not experienced in years. I’ve also been able to be progressively more present and I love that. It also makes me realize how distracted I have been for so long. It’s so easy to get lost in the past or keep thinking about the future, whether it takes the form of a ‘to do’ list or a fantasy of what life will be like when I have the perfect partner, perfect job, perfect family. Being grounded in the present, I feel so much more alive!